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Oftentimes in the music industry, artists have a difficult time following up their previous success, trying to recapture what made them special and loved by their fans in the first place. On the other end of the spectrum, however, we have artists who instead shun what gave them their fans and adapt their sound to a more popular and generic one, also known as selling out. It is my sad duty to inform you, as the internet’s leading expert on this particular artist, after that very artist herself, that Rebecca Black… has sold out.

When Rebecca Black’s song “Friday” came out, the zeitgeist came with it. Never before had music and lyrics so accurately described what life has come to in 2011. Rebecca became a symbol of modern society and “Friday” the existential crisis we’re too adapted to to face anymore. Her words were a beacon of insight and a warning to all people everywhere, for her plight was everyone’s plight. When all that one has to live for is Friday, does it really matter what yesterday was?

Naturally, when I learned that Rebecca Black was to follow up this masterpiece on July 18th with a new single to be titled “My Moment”, I marked my calendar and began counting the days. What marvels would she present to us this time? What insight into the human condition do you have for us now, Rebecca? Guide us, oh, Rebecca! Giveth us thine majesty!

But, alas… with “My Moment”, Rebecca Black has already sold out.

What went wrong? How did today’s most promising new artist – nay, sage – succumb to such a horrible mess? Where is the slow descent into madness driven by the unrelenting nature of passing time? Where is the moral quandary of fabricated means of enjoyment? Where is the guidance into the order of the days of the week? Instead, Black’s new work shuns all of her talent for intellectual insight, providing little more than poppy drivel. It begins innocuously enough, with autotuned cooing and electronic whoompy boomps as two studio producers watch carefully, like vultures waiting to strike if Rebecca forgets to use predicates again.

Then Rebecca begins to sing and the warning signs show themselves immediately. The nasally, robotic nihilism is completely absent from her voice, and Rebecca, sounding like a completely different artist, becomes a completely different artist. She adopts a soft croon as she stares directly into the camera and sings:

“Were you the one who said that I would be nothing
Well, I’m about to prove you wrong”

Rebecca turns and laughs to her instrumentalists in the studio, briefly offering the viewer false hope that she’s kidding. Surely, this is a joke. Surely the voice of our generation hasn’t turned her back on us! But it soon becomes clear that Rebecca isn’t laughing with anybody, but laughing at the viewer.

“I’m not stopping for you
No matter what you do”

Wait a minute! Rebecca Black is accusing us!

Rebecca goes on, describing her “moment”, waving it in front of us, like something we’ve been deemed unworthy of. It’s not certain what this is, but she makes it very clear that it is hers and hers alone, and, dammit, she has waited so long, she’s fourteen now! She wants everybody to know that this moment is her moment. Gone is the Rebecca Black who wasted her time waiting for the bus and kickin’ in the back seat. The new Rebecca Black doesn’t take your shit!

Rebecca continues explaining her moment, shunning and dismissing basically everybody who watches her video.

“You tried to be my friend
But I wouldn’t let you”

While Rebecca may have previously taken great comfort in her friends, once having had so many they spread out across both the front and back seats of a convertible, the new Rebecca needs none of this, and smugly looks down upon us all.

The once humble Rebecca Black renounces her position of direction and guidance. She no longer desires to share her intricate, and at times haunting, insights into life, and has now gone mad with power and friends that actually know how to dance.

Her rise to power is further chronicled as she expresses her absolute loathing of the audience that once turned to her.

“Haters, said I’ll see you later
Can’t talk to you right now
I’m getting my paper
Said I’m doing big things
Things you never dreamed of”

That’s right. You ain’t got shit on Rebecca Black now that she’s doing big things like getting paper. She’s spitting in your face with things you never dreamed of like her new generic and soulless music. What did we do, oh Rebecca, to deserve such scorn? We came to you in a time of need, in your time of need, to share in the psychic pain of the existential hell caused by the monotony and fleeting relief of life in the world we have made for ourselves. We needed you, Rebecca, like you needed us! What could possibly have angered you so?

In short, what was once not so long ago a promising new voice of reason has quickly sold out immediately after the first single. The wasted talent and depth of a career cut so drastically short is such a loss not only for the music industry, but, indeed, for the world as well. Minds like Rebecca Black’s only come along one a generation, and the thought of all the life and brilliance of her career being nipped in the bud is truly a difficult blow.