Rock and Roll Will Never Die, But It Will Probably Get Really Old and Wrinkly and Just Gross Looking In General

In my English class today, my professor briefly ripped on the mortality of rock and roll. Because we were talking about Oscar Wilde. Anyway, her quick joke about rock and roll music being middle aged, citing The Rolling Stones a being more of a brand than actual rock, reminded me about all those other signs of mortality in the music scene. Most discussions about the death of the music industry tend to be about the death of the album, or the death of the record label, and so on and so forth, but very little seems to be about the death of the band itself. Let’s look at three recent-ish examples of this: the “wait, they’re not actually dead yet?” band, the “oh my god, they’re finally dead?” band, and the “is nothing sacred anymore please oh please stay dead” band.

• The “wait, they’re not actually dead yet?” band

The most recent of all the following examples (I’m in college, guys. It’s hard to stay punctual! P.S. Scribblenauts first impressions coming soon!), apparently Steven Page left Aerosmith earlier this week or last week or something (interestingly enough, to work on “the brand of myself – Brand Tyler”). Well, since I couldn’t actually remember when it was, I Googled it, and since then the statements have been revised to say the opposite, that Steven Tyler’s “not quitting Aerosmith”. So… there you go. I mean, sure, from what I understand, they’re still a good show, but I’m reasonably certain they’re not really doing anything new and exciting in the music industry. I mean, their last album of original material was released in 2001, and Wikipedia claims they’re working on a new album for 2010, but are people terribly excited about that? Will a single song off of that album really be incorporated into their canon?

• The “oh my god, they’re finally dead?” band

So Oasis broke up. Noel quit the band, and then Liam announced Oasis “is no longer”, so, yeah, it sounds like that’s about it for Oasis. Although apparently this isn’t anything terribly new for them. I wasn’t really around during their heyday or anything, but from what I’ve picked up on, the two of them kind of hate each other. So who knows if they’re coming back or not. I just think it’s interesting that even though they’re mostly notable for their early 90s material, they actually do have new stuff from last year or so on the radio. So they’re somewhat topical? I guess?

• The “is nothing sacred anymore please oh please stay dead” band

So apparently Bud Gaugh and Eric Wilson tried to pull off a Sublime reunion. Yeah. What can you say about that? You know, aside from how singer/guitarist/creative force/frontman Bradley Nowell died thirteen years ago, and it’s kind of hard to really pull together a legitimate reunion when you have to replace all those things. And, also, the legal rights. This one was kind of silly and almost worrying, but I guess it could have been worse. This Rome Ramirez guy doesn’t really sound too much like Bradley, but, all things considered, the music didn’t actually sound that bad (as I can tell based on the three or four songs I saw on YouTube), and trying to take Nowell’s place probably took some serious balls. Still, that being said, it’s a good thing a judge banned the new lineup from actually performing as Sublime, because, well, it isn’t. It’d be like if Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl grabbed a new singer/guitarist and claimed Nirvana was reuniting, except Sublime wasn’t really as good or important as Nirvana. Yup. I went there. Let’s see the fight in the comments, people! Or just comments, really. Or at least some views on an article I’ve written that isn’t that Pokemon thing that’s gotten 2000 more hits than my next most popular article. Seriously. The internet is weird.

21st Century Breakdown vs American Idiot: A Half-Baked Battle to the Death!

Here’s a post I wanted to write about a month ago and proceeded to continue postponing, having absolutely no idea what to actually write.

On the one hand, Green Day’s American Idiot five years ago immediately became one of my favorite albums I’d ever listened to, to the point where I’d practically had the whole album memorized off the music videos and friends’ iPods before I’d even purchased a copy myself. After that success, it only made sense that Green Day would follow up their first concept album with a more delayed and more pretentious concept album once more. Kind of like how The Who more or less invented the concept album with Tommy about a Hellen Keller figure who becomes a Jesus figure by… playing… pinball… and then intended to follow it up with Lifehouse before its own concept about creating a sound that personally reflected the individual listener and the audience’s collective universal chord, or… something, until the idea broke Pete Townshend’s mind. Understandably.

So as far as a follow-up concept album and my crappy metaphor goes, 21st Century Breakdown isn’t quite as mind-blowing as the idea behind Lifehouse, which creates obvious pros and cons. On the plus side, we do have an album here, and it’s certainly a good listen, but at the same time, it pales following in American Idiot’s footsteps.

This is where I got stuck trying to think of what exactly to write about. So I didn’t like 21st Century Breakdown as much as American Idiot. Where exactly do I go from there? It’s hardly fair or anything but an exercise in futility comparing them track-by-track, since the albums are set up so differently, and there’s little improvement comparing the narratives instead. On a first, second, and even a third listen, a clear narrative remains reluctant to be extracted from Breakdown. Instead, you’re left with a vague sense that events have indeed progressed, although you’d be damned to figure out exactly what they were. To be fair, though, a listen to American Idiot creates basically the same sense of a blur of a story that maybe happened, and reflecting on it further, my understanding of American Idiot’s plot just comes from Wikipedia anyway. I still only have a vague grasp on how exactly “Holiday” works as both an anti-war tirade and as a night on the town, or what the hell all happens in “Homecoming”, but what really made that story work wasn’t so much a narrative after all, but a surprisingly intricate character study with a Fight Club-esque split personality and girl who gets away, and that’s where Breakdown pulls its power from too. But is it any better to call out Breakdown’s Christian and Gloria for not being quite as entrancing as Idiot’s Jesus of Suburbia/St. Jimmy and Whatsername? Not really.

Nope, despite my efforts to make a fancy deconstruction of the two album’s themes and characters and sort of story, the difference between the two comes down to something more obvious: the music. It took Idiot twenty and a half minutes to hit a song that wasn’t an absolute epic, whereas Breakdown has more of a building up to something that never quite gets there feel. Idiot is 13 tracks long, and I’d be willing to say all but one or two of these tracks are not only absolutely essential, but absolutely wonderful. Breakdown runs longer at 18 tracks, but more and more of it feels more and more like filler, and its highs simply aren’t within reach of Idiot’s. Not to say it doesn’t have its moments, which it certainly does in “21 Guns” and “East Jesus Nowhere”, and I’d personally add in “Christian’s Inferno” and “Peacemaker” (because you all wanted to scroll through four, five paragraphs of blather before you got to which songs I even liked best), but they don’t come across as powerfully as “Holiday”, “Jesus of Suburbia”, or the ubiquitous “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and “Wake Me Up When September Ends”.

But, and here’s where my over-analysis of things that don’t even matter flips out again, what really clinches Breakdown as a distant second to American Idiot for me is the denouement. American Idiot ends with “Whatsername”, which, in all seriousness, I consider one of the greatest album closers ever. It contains a perfect glimpse at life after Jesus of Suburbia’s adventure through the rest of the album, painting a thin line between despair and salvation, both lyrically and musically. Breakdown’s closer “See The Light”, on the other hand, simply lacks all this power and meaning.

Of course, both albums have been out for a while, so it’s not like any of this is super informative or timely or anything, but thinking about it, it’s kind of that denouement I was talking about. The all-important aftermath.

Also, I still think “Know Your Enemy” is a terrible song, so maybe I was biased all along.

Call It A Delayed Reaction

Recently, I started watching Doctor Who. Not the old series, but the new, revived one that started back in 2005, where in the second episode, although I watched the four series out of order, the last “pure” human in the year 5 billion appears as little more than a stretched out piece of skin with a face, connected to a brain in a separate jar, and one of the show’s characters quips that she’s going to go talk to Michael Jackson. Coincidentally, I first watched this episode on Thursday, just a few hours after Michael Jackson had died. Obviously, the show can’t be blamed for anything, but it was so weird to think about how that line changed so much over the course of a few hours.

Not that I’m the best person to talk about Michael Jackson. I can hardly say I was around to experience The Jackson 5 or any of the key moments of his career, or any of it, really. I can barely even say I know any of his music. I have his Greatest Hits album in my room, but the only songs I can actually recall listening to are the ones everybody knows anyway, like “Beat It” and “Thriller” and, my personal favorite, “Billie Jean”. People better suited to talk about his importance in music, racial issues, life, the universe, and everything (or to even spoof it properly) have, and will, do just that, and people who aren’t have, and also will, do the same, and have almost certainly filled up the blogosphere with God knows what they thought the world needed to know about how they felt about him, for better or worse. The very fact that I’m writing this post, of course, gives me a certain amount of hypocrisy.

But at the same time, just a month or two ago in school, my friend and I were sitting in Psychology doing our busywork and listening to my iPod on shuffle. After rather pickily skipping 10-20 songs, we heard Jackson’s unmistakable “WhoooOOO!!!” that kicks off “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough”, and immediately started dancing in our seats.

Maybe that’s saying something anyway.

Song That’s Been Stuck in My Little Sister’s Head of the Week: What’s Left of the Flag (by Flogging Molly)

I stopped the “Song That’s Been Stuck In My Head of the Week” feature back around November, but occassionally I’ll bring it back in some reimagined form for various things that are awesome, like when my little sister, whose most recent CD purchases include Katy Perry and Taylor Swift, started playing this song on her iPod and said it had been stuck in her head all week.

I’m so proud.

What’s Left of the Flag

Yeah, I know it’s a filler post, but shush. I actually had a different filler post in mind today, but forgot about this one I meant to post about a week ago. I’m way behind on my filler posts. Actual posts? I’m getting there.

I have a lot of filler posts you haven’t seen yet. A lot.

Speaking of New Divides…

So. New Linkin Park song. Fancy that.

New Divide

Lyrically, it’s pretty much the exact same Linkin Park we’ve heard since 2000; they’re feeling angry and isolated. Musically, it’s basically What I’ve Done, except with a fleeting attempt to be heavier and, amazingly, moodier. Really. It’s got the exact same soft, crooning verse and “heavy” chorus, complete with Mike “whoa”-ing in some backing vocals. The only difference is that vaguely mechanical guitar solo in the middle, presumably to feel more Transformers-y (the scientific term for it), simultaneously breathing the song’s only life into it and feeling tacked on.

I find it interesting they called this song “New Divide” (if you couldn’t tell based on the post’s title), given Linkin Park’s very own new divide in its fan base after the huge departure in its musical style that was Minutes to Midnight, where they all but abandoned the rap-rock for, well, just normal rock, I suppose. I personally liked Minutes to Midnight, although I don’t think it had very many of their best songs on it, but it was their best attempt at an album that could try to get them some critical merit. On the other hand, if you didn’t like their new style, you’re probably not going to like this new song, since it’s right up their last album’s alley, and even if you did like it, you probably won’t be too crazy about it, because it probably would have been a b-side. Of course, Linkin Park is more of a guilty pleasure than an actual favorite band for me, so it’s entirely possible I’m not the most unbiased judge, but then again, you’re not here for that anyway.

Know Your Enemy

I haven’t had a chance to listen to 21st Century Breakdown yet, and that’s partly because I just about stopped caring after hearing the song they chose for their first single. This song is terrible (in so many words). It’s basically the same riff for 3-4 minutes, with the same five words making up maybe 4/5 of the song. It’s a let down, especially for a first single following American Idiot, which I still maintain was brilliant, even if it was far overplayed on the radio (hence, the benefits of never listening to the radio!). I keep hearing about how ambitious and comparably brilliant 21st Century Breakdown is to American Idiot, and I can’t really make an informed say in either direction, but based on this song, I’d be amazed if that were the case.

Shut Up, I Am Dreaming Of Places Where Lovers Have Wings

Well, this isn’t a new song or anything, but it’s an awesome song you should listen to. It reminds me of Radiohead’s “Paranoid Android”, and watch how that lamp totally looks like it’s going to fall off, but doesn’t! Crazy!

Another Life From Bill Eager

I wrote a post about Bill Eager’s album Coma Cluster a while ago, in which I mistakenly referred to it as his debut album. Since then he’s released a follow-up Coma Reborn (which I forgot to review, and will try to do later), which, along with Cluster, his site refers to as “a sci-fi tale of unrequited love and total isolation in the deep reaches of a futuristic universe”. Most recently, he released another album in the same vein called Another Life on Mars, which, like most of his albums, he offers for free on his website (although if you have the means to do so, definitely consider donating). Another Life describes itself pretty well, as it once again follows the Coma concept as a “sort of sequel/prequel” that “chronicles the life and times of Sprout Silver, a wayward adventurer thrust into a big, cold, and futuristic universe”. Bill Eager’s album is no Ziggy Stardust though; not because it’s bad, bu because it doesn’t really go out of its way to beat you over the head with its concept. Like his other albums, a lot of his songs are instrumental or drown his voice in an atmosphere of electric guitar and spacey effect, and though it didn’t blow me away like Coma Cluster did, it’s thoroughly enjoyable and showcases Eager’s talent with smooth and unique music.

1. Another Life on Mars – The piano driven title track is powered by a continuous and simple, but effective, drum beat that doesn’t really feel like a build up for the song, but rather for the album, since the song leads into a simple piano ballad with some brief, airy, “whoa-oa”-y vocals. It serves as a gentle, yet forceful introduction.
2. The Summer and the Shade – Probably one of my favorite songs on the album, that kicks off with gentle, electric strumming before an electric guitar solo and hazily cuts through. The song overall has a very traditional verse/chorus/verse structure and a vaguely pop/rock feel to it. There’s a very nice build-up to this cycle, and never feels like going through the motions, but remains fresh and uplifting throughout.
3. Fear – Some spacey effects and loose drumming quickly face the wrath of what I can only describe as a monumental electric guitar riff, and the song progresses as epically from there. Although I’m not completely crazy with the effect Bill Eager used on his vocals that kind of detracts from the humanity the lyrics beg for, it creates an interesting tension that is then perfected in the slow-build up return pushed through the bridge. The song then ends with the longest, subtlest, quietest fade out ever.
4. Ares: My Captor – The album’s first strictly instrumental song, with light, spacey organ and choir effects underneath slow, wearied guitar picking. I love this song, because of how it creates a bleak feeling of how love can really feel more like being captured than what it’s supposed to.
5. Deep Inside You – A slow song with gentle, spacey strumming and light vocals, which doesn’t really serve as a pick-up after “Ares”, but still follows it well.
6. Further – Much more of a pick-up comes in this song, which starts with a first half of flowing piano before an electric wall of sound kicks in after a brief pause, blares for a while, then abruptly fades out. There’s a sense of adventure in that brief rock section, and it’s pretty exciting.
7. The Flowing Light – Take “Deep Inside You”’s minimalist vocals and guitar set-up and give it “Fear”’s overpowering vocals. He really pushes his voice to the front on this one, but the only other thing in the song is a lightly picked guitar, so it’s a bit much, but sounds quite nice and emotional.
8. Believe – This song is most like “The Summer and the Shade”, with a verse/chorus/bit with the main electric guitar riff. It doesn’t go for that song’s epic, rocky feel, but instead for a gentle, relaxing quality with strings and spacey, looping keyboards, and captures an epic feel that way. It’s another powerful song with an uplifting message, and this and “Summer” really capture Bill Eager’s versatility.
9. Ad Infinitum – The album closes with a bright organ/piano that almost feels like a denouement to “Believe”, and, by extension, an uplifting ending to the album. Which then closes with the real longest fade-out ever. Seriously. This guy likes his fade-outs.

So, yeah, go download it! Sorry this wasn’t a funny read like I usually try to do; I just felt like sharing this with my readers, which is the kind of post I originally intended to do when I started this blog. I might be funnier later. Like now! …

…

Um…

So a guy walks into a- Nope, later is not now.

Take On Those High Notes!

Today is one of those kinds of days where I have effectively no homework. Now, this isn’t a problem, per se, but rather more along the lines of it invites problems. For example, it would be nice if the computer that I have all my music, games, written works, etc. on wasn’t dead, because that really bogs down the amount of things I can do. Aside from the worrying if everything still exists on said computer, this is all somewhat assuaged by the fact that it is Thursday, and I rather like watching The Office, 30 Rock, My Name is Earl, and Kath and Kimthat’s it, actually. Most unfortunately, I just learned that the vast majority of these are reruns. How pesky. Momentarily defeated, I give up and decide that I should go update my blog for once.

So it occured to me that despite its amusingly dated 80’s synth pop glory, there are a ton of “Take On Me” covers. I don’t know what drives so many artists to push their vocal chords beyond the edge of their manhood to hit the high notes of this song, but I’m not complaining.

Or am I?

Which versions of this song are worth listening to? Well, it sounds to me like it’s time for a MUSICAL YOUTUBE JOURNEY!!! Here’s what happens when you type “Take On Me cover” into the search bar and force yourself to sit through all of them.

a-ha

First, the original. Not a whole lot to say… I mean, it’s not bad… but you definitely have to like, you know, 80’s synth pop. As far as I’m concerned, the real highlight is the brilliant music video… and the high notes!

Music: 4/5 (It’s the original. Can’t blame them for being dated.)

High Notes: 5/5

Creepy Close-Ups of Gazing, Lovestruck Faces: 4/5

Reel Big Fish

If you ask me, this one’s as good as it gets. In fact, I’d be willing to say it’s the best ska cover of anything ever made (although many are certainly close). It’s a great musical twist on the original version, and inspired me to learn how to play a semi-ska version of this song on the ukulele (Not pictured. Anywhere.)

Music: 5/5

High Notes: 5/5 (I think they got it)

Unnecessarily 80’s attire: 3/5

SleeperCell

Too predictable. And crappy high school band-y.

Music: 2/5

High Notes: 2/5 (Well… he hit them. With the ugly stick.)

Not Being So Bad You Have To Urge The Crowd On Each Time You Hit the Chorus: 1/5

MxPx

It’s very Blink-182, which is either your thing or not. But you know what’s not my thing? Not even trying to hit the high notes! They take enough liberties with the lyrics as it is, but changing the end of the chorus to “I’ll be gone / day”? Come on, that’s not even grammatically correct anymore!

Music: 3/5

High Notes: 0/5

HIGH NOTES!!!: 0/5

The Feeling

I never heard of these guys before I started writing this MUSICAL ADVENTURRR!!1!post, but I think this is my favorite “rock” cover of this song, and what the SleeperCell version failed to do. Rock.  I love how he not only tackles the high notes and hits them perfectly, but adds a real rock scream too. And then hits the highest notes. The electric guitars also handle the song much better than SleeperCell did too, this feels much more legit.

Music: 4/5

High Notes: 5/5

Screaming Like He Means It: 4/5

Northern Kings

Well… this was the closest I could find to a metal cover of this song. Unfortunately, it’s not really “Metallica” metal so much as it is “Dragonforce” metal. Or “Dragonforce” “metal”. I’m not totally sure what to make of this… it’s pretty good, there’s not denying these guys have talent, but the orchestration doesn’t really work with the otherwise vaguely metal feel, nor does the operatic take on the vocals. Again, it’s not bad, I could say it’s pretty good, but, again… it’s like Dragonforce + Disney + Take On Me. It’s your call.

Music: 3/5

Vocals: 3/5 (It’s kinda variable. Do you like opera metal?)

Talented Musicians Making Music I Can’t Figure Out If I Like Or Not: 5/5

Cap’n Jazz

They also have a studio version from what’s apparently the one album they made before they disbanded, but I think this live recording, sketchy sound quality and all, does a better job of capturing what they were trying to do with the song. To make it awesomer. The instruments are all doing great work, although the verses are a little lackadaisy, but the vocals is where the song truly shines. This kid has some of the most powerful screaming I’ve ever heard, and it really adds a new layer of anguish and raw emotion to the song. Except in the studio version, where his voice cracks repeatedly and the backing vocals… don’t work. You also gotta love how the live version, in absense of the piano they used for the studio version’s solo, just has the guy making cooing noises.

Music: 4/5 (3 for the studio version)

High Notes: 4/5 (2 for the studio version)

Screaming Like He Means It: 5-KAJILLION/5 !!!

Jonas Brothers

If you thought I was going to gloss over this one, you missed that one. If you thought I was going to mercilessly bash this… you’re overestimating how much I care. The inherent problem with this song is that no matter what I say, there’s the three factions with automatic biases against it: the “Boy bands! Yaaaay!” faction, the “Boy bands! Ew!” faction, and the “Yes, they’re a boy band, but they have legit talent” faction. Really, the internet hears this argument enough, I really couldn’t care less. If you like it, go for it. If you don’t like them that’s fine. I sat down and took an open-minded listen to the whole cover, and arrived at the same conclusion I would have gotten regardless of whether or not the band was so polarizing. I don’t like how between all the official band members, we have a lead vocalist and two rhythm guitarists. Really? Neither of them could play lead guitar? They both need to do the same thing? Aside from that, it’s far from the worst entry on this list. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to hate it. Neither has to be dependent on its “boy band” status.

Music: 3.5/5

High Notes: 4/5 (the harmonies making up for dropping the high note was a nice call, so… bonus point?)

Leather Jacket Fooling Anyone: 1/5

A1

Now with that being said, here’s some boy band bashing. It’s cheesy and the fake electronica touches hurt my ears. It screams 90’s culture louder than the Taco Bell Chihuahua and Baywatch. Just move on, you’re not gonna watch it anyway. In fact, you can’t watch it here, because the people who put up the video disabled embedding it, and that’s my least favorite part about the whole thing. How obnoxious can you get? Although on the other hand, they could just be trying to spare as many people from listening to it as they could.

Nah, they’re just getting antsy with their DRM.

Music: 1/5

High Notes: 5/5

Accurate Depiction of How Virtual Reality Works: 1/5

Family Guy

“Chris, where have you been?”

“I DON’T KNOOOOOOW!”

Music: 4/5

High Notes: 5/5

I’m Not Even Trying To Follow My Own Rules: 5/5

Lips

Most creeper video game commercial I’ve ever seen, which is impressive, since it’s a karaoke game.

Music: 2/5 (Da Na Da Duh Duh…)

High Notes: 4/5

Makes Me Want To Do Karaoke: 1/5

Well, that’s enough. I might have to do another one of these with a different song. You would be amazed how many songs get covered on Youtube, except you probably wouldn’t.

Arctic Monkeys Qualify As Dangerous Animals Again?

Wow, I finally noticed that the Arctic Monkeys performed some new songs in New Zealand a couple weeks ago, and being one of my favorite bands, I’d say the new stuff is worthy of a post. Four new songs, quite possibly from the upcoming third album, were played, called “Crying Lightning”, “Dangerous Animals”, “Pretty Visitors”, and “Would You Like Me To Build You a Go-Kart?” and for the most part, continue the same sort of heavier, spookier sound of Favourite Worst Nightmare as opposed to the crafty indie sound of their debut Whatever People Say I Am That’s What I’m Not. It’s hard to tell from the quality of all the recordings, but the new songs sound pretty promising.

Dangerous Animals

I definitely like this one, although, as is the case for pretty much all of these songs, it’s definitely more in the vein of Favourite Worst Nightmare than Whatever People Say I Am That’s What I’m Not. I personally like it, there’s a great riff running through it and overall it sounds like it could have been a pretty good track on Favourite Worst Nightmare, although I would like to see more of a return to their original quick and dirty indie roots, or at least a move past the whole “let’s make spooky music” train of thought.

Pretty Visitors

I like how the band’s incorporating keyboard into more songs, although I’d like to see them do something with it aside from more of that spooky circus stuff. This is probably my least favorite new song, but I like the thought behind it, I’d just like to see their innovation go in another direction.

Would You Like Me To Build You a Go-Kart?

This was the best quality clip I could find, but it sounds pretty good, and the country-tinged slowdown around the middle (complete with vaguely sarcastic “whoo whoo”s) is a nice twist. Definitely looking forward to actually hearing what the lyrics are.

Crying Lightning

I was actually able to find a really nice quality clip for this song, although it’s oddly quiet, so you’ll probably have to crank up the volume to hear it, but I’m thinking it’s worth it. This might be my favorite of the new songs; it’s definitely got a smooth, angry grind to it and a decent, although slightly anticlimactic, build-up. You can actually make out the lyrics to this one, and they’re not my favorite brand of Arctic Monkeys wordplay, although the line “The next time that I caught my own reflection/It was on its way to meet you” is brilliant, and I’m tempted to go all AP Lit student on you and explain why, but I have two more practice exams over the rest of the week, so I’ll have plenty of opportunity to do so then. You have been spared for now.

Basically, if these tracks are any indication, it sounds like the third album, which might drop in the Summer, will be a continuation of Favourite Worst Nightmare: an album I love, but as I best recall it took a handful of listens to grow on me.

Song That’s Been Stuck in My Head of the Week: House of Cards (by Radiohead)

House of Cards

The beginning of this song sounds like a hug!

Anyway, it’s finals week and things are pretty crazy, so, yes, this filler post is pretty much all you’re going to get from me for at least a week.

Yes, the last two posts have also been filler posts.

Shhhh… I’m studying!

Aforementioned Procrastinator’s Best/Worst of 2008: In All Its Properly Skewered and Debatably Relevant Glory

As much as I would like to do one of those predictable Top Ten things for 2008, I really don’t do enough to have a particularly meaningful one, nor would it really be of any significance, since I doubt your average Bartholomew would really care how I feel about the year’s best music, games, shows,  and whatnot.  (Note: not that there’s anything wrong with “average Joe” so much as “Joe” being overused as a name synonymous with the common man, and no, this isn’t a shot at “Joe six-pack” or anything else from the “Oh God are they over yet?” elections. I have a friend named Joe who I’d struggle define even remotely as “common.” I saw the man front-flip through the chains on either side of a swing. Um… back to my point?)

So instead I’m going to take a page from Zero Punctuation and make a filler-y Year in Review that’s basically all about my blog. I mean, you’re caring enough to read my blog, so I’m assuming that’s pretty much what you’re here for. So it’s only fitting that this blog’s version of a Best of is the Best of whatever happened on this thing I added to my hobbies some months ago. Revel in the nostalgia! So without further ado, the best and worst of The Procrastinator’s Rant in its first year, 2008. Excerpts from my favorite and least favorite posts, and some themes built around them.

Best Title: Japanese Scientists Invent Magic!

There was no other way I could explain this one, which I tried to do in the article, and halfway through writing it and realizing I could only sort of explain the science behind it, basically said “well, let’s just go link to youtube…” (A favorite method of mine… SHHH! TELL NO ONE!)

My favorite part of the report is that the team is already talking about using the technology for video games. That’s progress, right there. Seriously though, think about how cool this could be for a pet simulator or something… although if it’s anything like Nintendogs, it’ll probably just lead to everybody punching the air in front of them if the voice recognition still can’t figure out the difference between “sit” and “beg” and, actually, just about anything else… So maybe not a pet simulator then…

Worst Title: Nananananananana Nananananananana Batman!

I think I’ve figured out why nobody read my Dark Knight review…

Going into the theater, I had pretty high hopes, since I consider Batman Begins one of the best superhero (or really, really rich hero, as the case may be) movies ever made …

Honorable Mention – Most “Look At My Awesome Vocabulary, Guys!” Title: Trying to Avoid Saying Something Like “Lost is Getting Lost” or Some Similar Platitude

Clearly I’m moving up in the world of blogging… before I know it Terry O’Quinn will comment on this post with “Yeah, I know, man! Locke was in the coffin! How weird is that?!”

…And how weird is it when a show introduces a time-machine and it’s still old-hat?

Best “People Are Noticing My Blog!” Moment: Maldroid Sans Smoke and Mirrors – Not Bad!

Maldroid themselves commented on my review of their debut album? I’m invincible!…

Worst “People Are Noticing My Blog!” Moment: 123456 Pokemon!

…or… not… This doesn’t have to be my most viewed post by an embarrassingly large number… Please check out a post I actually wrote something in!

And as an added bonus, you can download the song for free from his website! Now you can listen to it on your iPod when you run around a lake in gym class. Like I totally haven’t done.

Honorable Mention – Most “I’m Probably Not Offering Much Incentive For People To Notice My Blog, Am I?” Moment: Excerpt From a Real Conversation I Had on Facebook

At the time, I thought it was… okay,  “funny” isn’t the right word in that context either…

…in the pilot episode of Macguyver, that “rocket thruster” thing was just stupid. He could have just jumped off the cliff and it would have accomplished the same thing.

Best Words of Wisdom: Ah, Irony

According to the stats page, someone found my blog today by searching for “How to tell if you’re a procrastinator.” Well, I don’t actually talk about procrastinating in my blog and it’s just part of the name, but I feel like helping out anyway:

If you’re taking the time to google “How to tell if you’re a procrastinator”, you’re a procrastinator.

Worst Words of Wisdom: Haiku 5

question. answer? no!

i need more karma practice.

is it cake time yet?

This is also a good candidate for worst haiku ever written ever, but in my defense that was the point.

Honorable Mention – Best Words of Wisdom About Words of Wisdom: Avatar: The Last Hurrah

And this is a complaint not just against Avatar but against television and movies in general, don’t use voice altering effects that make everything as unclear as Power Ranger’s Zordon! Really, when Aang asked for the lion turtle’s help and it answered, it could have recited the theme song to Fresh Prince and I wouldn’t have noticed, it was so unintelligible. It really kind of takes away from the effect when the dialogue basically sounds like:

“I need your help, lion turtle! I need to save the world by killing the Fire Lord, but I’ve been told not to kill people! What should I do?”

“BWAAAAAAA! GWAAAAAAAA! WA WA WA WAAAAAAAA! GLURRRRRRRRRGH!”

“Thanks, lion turtle!”

Stop doing that!

Best “In Which I Rip On Nintendo”: Nintendo’s New DSi’d-rather-not

This is probably the most scathing post I’ve ever written… although I still think it’s pretty funny.

Two years later, Nintendo releases the Game Boy Advance SP, which not only has a much more aesthetically appealing folding design, but comes with the long-rumored, never-seen (except on anything but a Nintendo product) backlit screen! With Nintendo embracing Thomas Edison’s scientific breakthrough a mere 220-ish years after its initial discovery, this was certainly an upgrade worth having, no? I mean, come on, it’s the future! Then another two years later, even though the DS was already on shelves released a year before, Nintendo released the Game Boy Micro, which was yet another redesign of the Game Boy Advance, except Holy iPod Generation, Batman! that thing was tiny! So forget the fact that there are three separate systems (four if you count the GBA player for the Gamecube) that can play these games, you can probably fit like five of these things in your back pocket!

Moving on past the GBA innovation, Nintendo released its next handheld, the dual-screen, touch-screen, Nintendo DS in 2004, a system so much more advanced it launched with a port of a seven year old Mario game! And Ping Pals! And then Nintendogs came out about a year later! Seriously, tons of potential right here!

But once again, Nintendo’s two-year cycles of ADD kick in and in 2006 they release the Nintendo DS lite, a redesign of the system with brighter screens, bigger styli, smaller size, fewer calories, and Atkins Diet approved! This was reportedly pretty awesome, because now you could play all those awesome DS games with a system that suddenly realized it was kinda sorta a little important to try to look pretty cool too.

Worst “In Which I Rip on Nintendo”: A Prelude to a Denouncement

Also in which I write an introduction to a post I never get around to caring to write. Let’s just… move on…

Honorable Mention – In Which I Seriously Drop the Ball on Ripping on Nintendo

Yeah, I never wrote a post about the Mother 3 translation patch. To sum it up, Mother 3, and the Earthbound/Mother series it’s part of, is Nintendo’s big “screw you” to the States. The patch was a “screw you” right back. The series is incredibly underrated, and some of the best games ever made. They’re funny, they’re moving, they’re simply beautiful, and Nintendo has ignored America’s pleas for a translation and release anywhere but in Japan. Despite the fact that basically everybody knows Ness because of Super Smash Bros. and they could very easily re-release Earthbound on the Virtual Console at little to no financial risk, they’ve refused to. In doing so, Nintendo hasn’t given America a chance to show revived interest in the series, so they didn’t translate Mother 3. So the fans did it themselves. Nyah!

Best Filler Post: Why I Don’t Play Minesweeper

I hate that game.

Also, one of the most hilarious comments I’ve ever gotten.

Worst Filler Post: Excerpt From a Real Conversation I Had on Facebook

Just ignore this…

Honorable Mention – Best “This Isn’t A Filler Post?” Post: Haiku 6

I like this one.

let’s go blow bubbles

like survivor’s guilt except

nothing has happened

Best Search That Led Someone to Procrastinator’s Rant: guitar hero character customization serj

Serj in Guitar Hero… that… that game would be glorious… Although I don’t think I actually talked about this..

Also, someone else searched for “I hate Word 2007″. I hear you, man…

Worst Search That Led Someone to Procrastinator’s Rant: starmen.net sucks

False!

Honorable Mention – Most WTF Search That Led Someone to Procrastinator’s Rant: spore creature sex

o.O

I know I never talked about that…

Best Post of 2008: My Wall-E Review

This is still my favorite post I’ve written. I stray from the topic a little, but that’s what makes this fun.

The mere fact that Madagascar is evidently good enough to warrant a sequel is a truly terrifying notion. Even more terrifying is that this means that as far as animated pictures go, it’s supposedly one of the best. Really now? Wasn’t that movie mostly a kid-friendly rave scene fueled by that “I Like to Move It” song for what had to be around 50 minutes, which must have led to an epidemic of people’s ears bleeding?

So, I think those are the highlights of 2008, in terms of this little area of the interblag. If you think I’ve missed anything, well, I’m flattered you like my blog so much! I look forward to entertaining everybody and hopefully doing a better job of it in 2009! Happy New Year!

Also, I totally thought it already was 2009. Imagine my surprise.