Home » Off-Topic » The Procrastinator’s Rant: Centennial Edition

The Procrastinator’s Rant: Centennial Edition

It’s a sign of the times, folks. The Procrastinator’s Rant is officially one year old. Or, rather, it was about a week ago, since I miscounted, thus ruining my idea to do a combined one-year-old/100th-post super post of awesome to celebrate. So it’s just my 100th post, not both that and the one year mark. I know. Lame.

Although on the other hand, this frees me up to do something else. For whatever reason, hitting that 100th post just doesn’t strike me as as big a deal as the one year mark, so I don’t have much interest in making a grand spectacle of all that happened during Procrastinator’s Rant’s first year or making a grand thank you, the latter because I do that in every other post anyway, because I’m thrilled people are actually reading the words I put on the internet. Really, on a serious note, given how a little over a year ago my only real outlet for my thoughts and humor was just whenever I hung out with my friends, the fact that there are actually people from California to Wisconsin, Illinois to Ohio, and more who not only read what I have to say, but do so willingly for entertainment is still pretty thrilling, and I of course need to thank everybody who does for doing so, and these are just people I specifically know about. During the first three months of Procrastinator’s Rant, I got 400 hits, which I now get on a monthly basis, and that’s not counting that day I got stumbled and got 600 hits overnight for that post about AP Biology ruining Pokemon.

And last, but not least, within that first year, I’ve become Google approved:

I love how THAT'S the third thing that comes up.Yes. When you search for my blog on google, it is the first thing that comes up. Tight.

Anyway, like I said maybe two paragraphs ago, the fact that I totally didn’t spend any time on this post revelling in how eventful the blog’s first year was frees me up for a feature I’ve wanted to do for a while, and the 100th post seems like as good a place as any, since it’s sort of like that aforementioned thank you to everybody who made this possible, but in a different manner.

In other words, I’m going through and making fun of all the bizarre ways people have found this blog.

WordPress lets you see who referred to and what search terms led people to your blog, and although most of the time you’ll get fairly normal searches like, say, “Procrastinator’s Rant”, sometimes you get the unusual, the interesting, and the fairly unsettling. So I’m going to share these with you, the reader, and since most of the time they definitely did not get what they were looking for, I’m going to fix that and offer up the top five right here! Think of it as giving the fans what they want!

How else would I mark this milestone? Really?

1) Procrastinator Poem/Jokes About Procrastinators/How To Tell If You’re A Procrastinator/What Does The Word Procrastinator Mean?

First, let’s start with the only slightly misled. They were searching for something about procrastinators, and technically they got it, although my blog doesn’t really have a single thing to do with that. I already made fun of the “How To Tell If You’re A Procrastinator” guy, but the rest are newer to me.

Technically speaking all the poems on my blog would qualify as procrastinator poems, since I was almost certainly supposed to be doing something else whilst writing them, but if you want a poem strictly about procrastinators, here’s a limerick:

There once was a man from the equator,

A notorious procrastinator,

Who decided to wait

And postpone ‘til late

On that literature essay that’s due tomorrow and totally going to kill your grade if you don’t do a good job on it oh snap. Ator.

And, um… a joke about procrastinators…:

How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, because a procrastinator is one who needlessly defers the performance of anything, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness, so they probably wouldn’t be very well suited for actually carrying out the task.

Oh, hey! Two birds with one stone there! Moving on!

2) Watchmen Joke

This one actually had me fairly confused for a while, because it’s been pulling in a lot of hits, especially since I didn’t remember any actual jokes from the movie, aside from how silly Malin Akerman’s acting was (zing). So I actually, believe it or not, had to google this one to see what people could possibly be trying to find, since I doubt there’s such a high demand for knock knock jokes about The Watchmen.

So I think I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities. One being The Comedian’s tearful realization that life’s a joke (and if that’s what was being searched for, well… that’s the joke! Life! =D ), and the other was Rorschach’s, well, joke:

“Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, ‘Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.’ Man bursts into tears. Says, ‘But, doctor… I am Pagliacci.’ Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.”


And then on that third possibility you actually were looking for a joke about The Watchmen:

How many Watchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Depends. The Comedian will screw anything that moves, Dr. Manhattan will make as many of himself as said screwing requires, and Nite Owl and Silk Spectre will do so in an awkward, lengthy, slow-motion scene that takes place in a flying submarine or something.

Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.

3 )Magikarp When I Evolve/Making Fun of Magikarp/Magikarp DUR/Badass Magikarp

For whatever reason, people love coming to Procrastinator’s Rant for all their Magikarp-mocking needs. Well, what’s that all about? Really, we’ve all known Magikarp’s sucked for at least ten years, and we’re perfectly aware that he’s going to evolve into Gyarados, so clearly people are more than willing to put up with it. And how come nobody gives Goldeen any crap for being useless in Super Smash Bros.? It doesn’t do or evolve into anything useful there, how come it gets off the hook?

Who am I kidding? Magikarp jokes!

How many Magikarp does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Water Pokemon are weak to electricity! THAT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA!


4) Earthbound Haiku

Again, there’s two things people could be searching for. There actually is a haiku in Earthbound, which serve as Everdread’s last words after he falls out the building (spoiler):

At times like this, kids like you should be playing Nintendo games.But if you’re actually looking for a haiku about Earthbound, well… I’m sure I can think of one:

Funny and charming

Together on our journey

Ness Ness Ness Ness Ness…

And here’s a joke!

How many Nintendo of America executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who knows? They’re too busy screwing over Earthbound/Mother fans!

5) Starmen.net Jerks/Starmen.net Sucks

Okay, seriously? Why are so many people searching for this? What did Starmen.net ever do to you? Those guys have been keeping the Earthbound/Mother cult fanbase alive for easily a decade, since Nintendo of America clearly has no desire to do so. Really? Did they steal your lunch money and call you fat or something? They seem like pretty nice fellows over there. I have nothing against them, and it’s kind of weird how all these searches lead to my blog…

So… that’s basically it! Although I’m sure this will be wildly unpopular amongst my raging fans, there really isn’t much material to make a joke about that last one.


How many Starmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don’t know, but it takes like a kajillion before you find the Sword of Kings because only one out of every 128 have them and IT TAKES FOREVER!

One thought on “The Procrastinator’s Rant: Centennial Edition

  1. Starmen.net and EarthboundCentral suck because of the forums and comment sections. I.E. Most EB fanboys and girls suck. It also appears both sites want to be the authority on EB, as though WHAT THEY SAY is the final word/opinion. It doesn’t help that the owners of each can be real assholes to their site patrons, either.

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