I have a pretty long history making fun of Pokemon, but haven’t had anything new to make fun of for a while. You can mock almost anything in Pokemon because it’s such an absurd world, and because of this, I couldn’t think of any other major things to say about it. Then I realized that because all the animals in Pokemon are, well, Pokemon, creatures so highly regarded as pets and warriors that an entire society built itself up around them… then what does anybody eat?
Obviously, people still have to eat. We see kitchens and fridges and stuff in the Pokemon games, and every now and again we even see a restaurant that’s conveniently always closed or something, which only makes me more suspicious that the game doesn’t want us to know something. Like that they eat Pokemon. That’s right, they eat those beloved Pokemon you spend hours and hours and hours training and growing close to or at the very least just just obsessively collecting one of each and never looking at it again as you make your own personal museum. It’s either that or everybody’s vegetarian, but looking at how ripped some of those trainers are, I rather doubt this.
Now that we’ve faced this horrible truth, we have to do what Nintendo won’t. We’re going to go through the original Pokemon and figure out which ones people eat. Let’s do it. It’ll be like solving a really boring mystery.
Obviously, Pidgey is pretty much the chicken of the Pokemon world. They’re absolutely everywhere, not even remotely powerful, and therefore there’s absolutely no reason why not to eat one. Plus, think about how many wild Pidgey you’ve knocked unconscious playing Pokemon. Hell, you probably knocked out enough to feed everyone in Pallet Town for a week while training up your team enough to take on Brock. And since it’s the chicken of the Pokemon world, just imagine how versatile this guy is! People probably eat Pidgey in pasta, in salad, in sandwiches, pretty much everything. The fact that so many trainers have them is probably more so out of fondness for one of their favorite meals than it actually being a good Pokemon, which it isn’t. It’d be like having a pet chicken, because that’d be kind of cool! Or if you’re a trainer, then it’d be like… oh, wow, this got dark fast…
The best part is you wouldn’t even need to keep any Pidgey around to get eggs, because there’s already an egg Pokemon! Seriously, it’s like the Pokemon world just wants us to eat them. Of course, it’s debatable how egg-like these things are since they have faces and think and stuff, but that one in the back’s already cracked open and there’s totally yolk inside, so I say let’s go for it: we can totally eat these things. Just try not to get that one with the smug grin on his face. That would be a little creepy to try to cook.
“Where’s the beef?”, you ask? Well, my friends, the beef is here! The problem is that the beef can learn Hyper Beam. And Fire Blast. And Earthquake. And Surf. So I’m guessing that beef is probably more expensive in the Pokemon world, because it’s got quite a variety of ways it can kill you. Basically what I’m saying is, you couldn’t get this shit at Poke-McDonald’s. Man, just when the Pokemon world couldn’t seem more depressing, you overthink it some more and realize a cheeseburger would be a luxury, and that is a terrible world in which to live.
Yeah, I’m not actually sure what’s going on here, but Slowpoke is one of the few Pokemon actually mentioned to be a source of food in the game itself, so I guess we have to try to figure it out – these are the rules to the game I just made up. Anyway, in Gold and Silver, Team Rocket hatches a diabolical scheme to try to sell Slowpoke tails as a delicacy, and people are horrified about this. So we’re left with two implications here: Team Rocket is not very good at being a crime organization, or that maybe Slowpoke is one of those faux-fancy meats that people eat. Like turducken. Yeah, I’m getting turducken vibes from Slowpoke. It probably tastes like turducken.
Just like Pidgey, these things are everywhere, really weak, and so that’s how people eat seafood! Also, Magikarp are pretty big! It’s probably cheaper to have seafood than it is to have chicken in the Pokemon world. And there’s more options too, since you’ve also got Shelder if you want to eat shellfish, and there’s Krabby if you want to eat crab, and, um, okay, clearly they designed most of the water Pokemon when the development team was just really hungry.